A play-by-play of what might happen at UFC 196: McGregor vs Diaz
Wednesday February 24, 2016— During hype videos for the fight, during a black and white highlight reel of Conor McGregor, Joe Rogan Narrates that McGregor is a baaaaaad duuuude and that he’s knocked out everyone he’s faced in the UFC to date. Including Jose Aldo (emphasis on the word “including”), the highlight reel turns to color, showing how devastating Conor McGregor KO’s were (repeats showing the Aldo knockout about 5 times). Spliced between Conor and Nate saying that they really hate one another. Whatever they say is going to be hard to understand because of their accents.
Joe will then say, “Nate Diaz is McGregor’s toughest test to date. He’s got a black belt in Jiu Jitsu, but he uses his hands and he’s good at it” (emphasis on “good”) and we only see color highlights of Nate fighting through wars just to emphasize that he’s McGregor’s “toughest test to date.” Joe Rogan will then say, “I mean..” before he describes anything that Nate has accomplished ex: this is a guy that has fought at both 170 AND 155, the hhighlight will cut to Dana saying, “these are two men that really don’t like each other,” then it will cut to Conor saying he’s going to make Nate his bitch, then cut to Nate saying that the only bitch is McGregor’s trainer. Highlight reel starts interspersing Conor and Nate’s fight clips in rapid succession to a long high-pitched note followed by a sound that can only be equated to a shotgun blast then ends with both McGregor and Diaz shooting the finger to one another.
Cue douchebag UFC theme followed by two and a half hours of fights nobody really cares about.
Goldberg shouts, Alright it’s time for our Main Event!
After a 5 to 10 minute entrance of Nate Diaz, we see Gilbert Melendez walking behind him looking like a hater. Camera shows only 1 minute of it just to cut to the locker room showing McGregor Kicking the shit out of the bags OR shadow boxing. Either way he’s pretending not to notice the cameras. The Background will show a couple of his training partners sitting down with bottled water in their hands smiling at one another. Camera cuts back to a long shot of the crowd. Goldberg lets the viewing audience know how many people are in attendance in the beautiful whatever arena there in.
Lights go out. Crowd Cheers like they’ve never seen darkness before. Cue everyone, lighting the crowd with their cell phones like no one else has ever used their cell phone in the dark before.
Cue McGregor walking through the hallway with his posse to some Irish bagpipe music. The crazy thing is that the tune is actually a Scottish bagpipe tune. People without a sense of culture will not know the difference. Crowd goes apeshit!!!! This takes for….ever!!! fooooor….everrrrr!!!!
As soon as he makes it into the octagon McGregor runs around the octagon and comes “this close” to bumping Nate Diaz. Diaz tries to make a tough face, only succeeds in looking like a teenage Forrest Gump.
Goldberg screams our tale of the Tape!!! Followed by the fighters measurements, rest assured that even when the fighters have nothing in common he will say that “everything is virtually identical”. Side note, no matter what the height or reach difference, Goldberg will still point out the advantage no matter how miniscule the disparity is. Ex Fighter number 1 with a .1 inch reach advantage.
Cut Back to Bruce Buffer in the ring doing what he does, announces Nate Diaz kind of half assed but dick rides the shit out McGregor while walking up to him and pointing his index cards at Conor.
Announces the referee for the fight is Mario Yamasaki. Yamasaki does the Taylor Swift heart. Yamasaki then waves both fighters over (Nate still trying to look tough, continues looking like a teenaged Forrest Gump) lets them know that they went over the rules in the dressing room. Asks them if they have any questions, both fighters say no. Tells them to touch gloves, they don’t but as they walk away, either Nate or Conor will throw the double middle fingers as the other smiles. Cut to Goldberg almost orgasming while saying, “OOooooooh did you see that, Joe?” Joe finally wakes up.
Fight clock brought to you by…some douche energy drink or bud light where Goldberg lies about either one of them tasting good because he’s paid to say that.
Joe goes into talking about potential strategies, when McGregor all of a sudden throws an outside leg kick, Nate falls down calls McGregor a pussy as he waits for Yamasaki to let him back up. Mcgregor laughs!!! Nate feints a jab as he pulls back, McGregor throws another outside leg kick. Nate Falls down calls McGregor a Bitch, waits for Yamasaki to let him up. McGregor laughs. Nate once again feints a jab, this time it almost connects with McGregor’s breath. McGregor Feints an outside leg kick goes for an inside leg kick. Joe screams, “OH did you see that!? ” Before Mike can answer, Nate falls down, screams to McGregor calling him a “”pussy ass bitch” McGregor pounces on Nate before standing up. Nate waits for Yamasaki to let him up. Nate switches stances. Before McGregor can go for another outside leg kick the bell rings.
Crowd starts soccer chanting. McGregor walks to his corner smiling. Nate limps to his. Goldberg says the round was close, while joe talks about how Nate should use his Jiu Jitsu because he is getting ate up at the feet. Joe then goes off on a tangent about the positive effects of DMT. Camera Cuts to overtly sexualized Ring Card girl waving and blowing kisses to desperately lonely men living their miserable lives vicariously through their MMA heroes. Women will simply start texting/social media posting during this moment about how hot McGregor is. Ex: My husband, Conor is beating Nate Diaz’s ass!!!
Rd. 2 McGregor jogs to the center of the octagon then takes a couple of steps back. Nate goes in for a jab, but Conor counters with a straight right! Nate falls down. (Joe talks about how beautifully it connected while Goldberg points out the huge welt on Nate’s inner and outer and upper and lower leg.) McGregor goes for some ground and pound, Yamasaki goes in for the stoppage. IT’s all over!!! Nate wakes up 2 minutes later saying that the ref should’ve let them keep fighting. Joe Rogan shouts “Is there anyone who can stop, DMT!!?” Goldberg then goes to the move of the night that’s brought to us by, some douche drink or Reebok. Highlight shows Conor throwing the middle finger during the ground and pound barrage.
Interview with Conor commences. Joe Rogan screams like the audience has never heard words before. “Conor congratulations on a great fight, just textbook execution, tell us your thoughts and why you believe you won.” Conor, says something in his thick Irish Brogue, and the television audience and audience in attendance will pretend to understand what he is saying. Crowd goes ape shit and breaks out in soccer chants. Conor continues speaking incoherently in the microphone about why he’s the greatest and why Dos Anjos is afraid of him and wants to fight for the 170lb belt after he beats Dos Anjos. Goldberg calls Conor a class act without a hint of irony.
Conor takes a picture with his crew that will never make it into the papers because he’s not the only one in it. Says something about being the best in the world in front of the camera and end scene.
This was obviously a comedic way of how this fight might happen. Hope you had a laugh and enjoyed this. We will have more of these comedic breakdowns for your enjoyment in the coming future. Comment below if you want to read more of these and let us know if you liked it or not. Any feedback is good feedback. Thank you for your continued support.
By: Berto Garcia
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